


RAWBOGGED BY JOHN ;)

by spindrift3



Category: John Mulaney & The Sack Lunch Bunch (2019), New Zealand Comedy RPF, Oh Hello - Kroll & Mulaney
Genre: Bog - Freeform, Bog monster, Erotic, F/M, Fluff, Humor, Inspired by John Mulaney, Marsh - Freeform, Multi, Orgy, Other, Smut, Tentacle, mulaney, sack lunch bunch
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-14 11:34:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29170425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spindrift3/pseuds/spindrift3
Summary: John Mulaney and y/n get down and gushy in the bog :D
Relationships: Bill Hader/John Mulaney/Original Female Character(s), John Mulaney/Original Female Character(s), John Mulaney/You, John mulaney/bog, John mulaney/bog monster, Nick Kroll/John Mulaney
Comments: 3
Kudos: 9





	1. love in the bog

Y/n, a three eyed bog monster, visits the swamp ;)  
**DISCLAIMER** ThisThis is a sexy but fictional scenario. Any relation to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. 

Johnathan Mulaney walked into y/n’s bog. After a year on crack, he was searching for self discovery. Nature. Rest. Instead, he found love. 

Let’s set the scene. 

FLASHBACK   
“John, you can’t just come into my bog without asking,” y/n said. John chuckled maliciously.   
“Nooooo y/n please don’t kick me out you’re so sexy,” John said.   
“Ugh John” you teased, gooily. “You’re so flirty sometimes” you said sensually.   
“I know….” he replied. “It’s just…..the mud caked on your tendrils really gets my motor running if ya know what i mean” *wink wink* 

John slams you into the slime tree. You feel the slime from the tree sliding down your back. It is slightly warm and very sexy. 

Your bog tendrils curled in anticipation. 

“Lets do it here and now” Said Johnathan. 

“Ok.” 

John threw you to the boggy floor of the bog. Your back connected with the mud, making a *thwap*

His large man hand gently caressed the inside of your bog tentacles, making you go “grlUNK” with desire. 

“Babe…” you asked shyly… “are you sure we should do this right here?? In the bog??” 

“Yup. “Yes, babe,” He replied with a seductive lip bite. It was his upper lip. “Bog sex with you can’t wait any longer. I gotta bog bang you right here and now.” 

“But john what about your wife” you gurgled. 

“I forgot about her the moment I laid eyes on your three very disconcerting eyes.” John sighed. “As soon as I viewed your lugubrious charms it was all over” He tenderly kisses you on the proboscis. A sexy strand of bog slime dangles from his upper lip. 

“You mean you’re gonna…..raw bog me??” you squelched. 

“Yeah.” He bit his lip again. This time it was the lower one. That was infinitely less sexy :( 

“Y/n,” he said, caressing your well lubricated slime face, “I have waited a long time for this. Three whole days. You are the first thing I think of when I wake up. And the maybe fourth to last thing I think about at night, followed by chex mix, costco sausages, and Danny Devito’s excellent performance in that super bowl ad. You are what makes my morning wood so woody. Like Woody Allen, but woodier.” 

“Didn’t he die of a really nasty degenerative disease? “ you slurch.

No that was woody guthrie. I don’t like him. Woody Allen was the one who disowned his adopted daughter so he could marry her.” 

“Ew.” 

“Y/n,” John said, “If I were your adopted daughter, would you disown me?” 

“Yes babe,” you slimed. “Yes I would.” 

This deliciously gopy conversation was fllowdd by two and a half hours of intense sex. The bog resounded with gurgling and also a lot of comedian moans, whoch are different from your standard ones. The’y’re zingier, because they’re comedians. John penetrated your swampy depths with his schlong, causing you to slosh with glee. Then he hit it raw. He raw bogged you. You nutted 473.594 times. After he nutted, you lay back together in the really kind of scratchy bog reeds. 

“Y/n,” John blushed, “I have a kind of embarrassing question.” 

“What is it, my darling tree of slime?” 

“Ever since I looked up reddit porn with my friend who is realliy into long furbys, I’ve had kind of a tentacle thing. Your tendrils remind me so much of the reddit porn tentacles from my youth. Could you make me the happiest man in the bog and peg me with them?” 

“Omg BABE” you honked. 

“Ugh you’re such a sexy little bog devil,” John winked wetly. He stroked your third eye with a surprisingly moist thumb. Then he stroked your second eye with his other thumb. You liked having your eye thumbed very much. 

You promptly took out one of your many voluptuous tentacles and slowly entered his incredibly pasty bog behind.   
“Babe, it’s so musty in here,” you oozed. He did have a remarkably musty ass. That’s the best kind of ass, in your opinion. 

John moaned in an incredibly sultry and also vaguely guy-fieri reminiscent way. 

Your favorite celebrity chef was Guy fieri. You thought he was really neat. 

“Your tentacles feel like home to me, babe,” he said. Then he nutted profusely. 

But that was all a very long time ago. 

PRESENT DAY 

Every morning, you wake up. Some nights you go back to sleep. It’s all very cyclical, in an awake/sleep kind of way. Weird. You have no morning wood, because you have no peen. No schlong. No member. No throbbing length. Your tentacles do feel kind of stiff sometimes though. Maybe you should get that checked out. 

John unsheathed his pulsating breadstick. “Babe,” he said. “Shall I take this breadstick to the olive garden?” 

“Yes, my sexy little pasta noodle.” I said. “Butter me up like the plain pasta they have on the kids menu.” 

Then he basted swamp butter. It really allowed you to slide. In return you eneveloped him in margarine.

Then you ate breakfast, because there was absolutely no sexual connotations to this encounter. This was just your morning routine. Wake, baste, breakfast amirite kiddos??

“Babe, are you hitting up the swamp orgy later today?” you asked your slimey mans. 

“Ugh, I can’t,” he replied abashedly. “I’ve basted all my butter on you. There’s none left in my butter balls.” 

Butter was the pet name you had for his manhood ;) 

Why?? Uh. Kicks, i guess. 

Your mind started to wander. You considered his uncooked spaghetti noodle gleaming in the swamplight. It brought to mind a tender rotisserie chicken, turning in the fluorescent gleam of the star market deli section.   
His oiled oilbrush was precisely 6.394 inches long, like a 7.934 inch pencil minus one inch. You measured it every day before bed. Sometimes, when he was writing his new comedy show, his disco stick extended, but he was shy about it so you didn’t point it out. 

You missed his beautiful eyes. They were like two round balls with dots in the middle of them. Sometimes, they blinked. You found it very ~*arousing*~ when they blinked, if ya know what i mean. (i mean in a sexual way) 

YOu never blinked. You couldn’t. You didn’t even have lids. To moisten your smaragdine orbs, you simply licked them with one of your four long and sexy tongues. Sometimes john licked them for you, when things were getting really crazy. 

John only had one tongue. It was small and pink and round, and it wasn’t even forked. It was altogether really standard looking. When he licked your tendrils, sometimes, you wish it had some more texture, like a cat. But alas, there are sacrifices we must make sometimes to get the bog peen. 

End chapter 1.


	2. what them knickers do

PRESENT DAY (for now. Because you made a time machine) 

“BABE< I MADE A TIME MACHINE”, you said loudly to john. HOjn smiled opprovingly.   
“Babe!!!1 Wanna go to the 1692’s and have a threesome with cotton mather????” He said. 

OMGF, i thought you’d never asked? I you squealed! I’ve always wanted to have a threesome with Cooton Mather! How did you know? It’s like you read my moist and soggy mind. You knew what else was moist and soggy, but you would save that for the mather. ;)

*fun fact* Cotton mather actually really furthered vaccinations and germ theory but noone really remembers that contribution because he was such a twat. Anyways, you win some you lose some amirite cotton? Yeah. Yeah I am. 

“I’ve always known you so well,” John said smilingly. “Ever since I met you, I’ve known you.” You blushed a mossy barfy green color in your oozing cheeks. 

You’d developed some pustules recently that made you quite oozy. John liked your pustules. They were so nice and full of pus. Some might even describe them as pussfu. Or pussy. 

*FLASH FORWARD* YOu and john got into your time machin and set the time for 1692. YOu emerged in pretty much the same bog, but it was a massachusetts 1692 bog. Most bogs look the same. You squelched out of the bog, directly into a witch trial. 

“COTTON???? WHERE IS COTTON????” you hollered into the boggy void. Cotton didn’t answer :( 

“Cotton?” John asked. “We’re doing magic oh noooooo someone better come arrest us!” 

As if summoned by the forbidden art of Mulaney Magic, Cotton emerged from behind an arbol. That’s tree in spanish. 

“WITCH!!!! WITCH!!!!!” Cotton scream, upon seeing you two. He pointed a trembling finger at john. 

“Oh, him? No, he’s just really high waisted.” 

“Oh.” Said cotton. “Well in that case, com to town” Cotton was surprisingly well built, like mans was lowkey buff. In his weird little clerical way. Something about english wool really did it for you. 

“Ooh, heeeyyyy Cotton,” you winked your boggy eyes at him winkingly. He recoiled. Not out of disgust, but out of arousal. He was very aroused. You could tell because he threw up immediately at the sight of you. You found that the strength with which a man could projectile vomit was an excellent indicator of his performance in bed. 

“Me excuseth! Who arest thou!” Cotton sputtered. 

“Me, me! The three eyed bog monster, I am!” you respond with shock and passion. John nods wisely. 

“She’s the most three eyed, most green, ooziest bog monster in the bog,” he said. “Any man would be lucky to engage in a threesome with her.” 

The thing you have to understand about cotton mather (and puritans as a whole) is that they’re really repressed. Like majorly repressed. Every single god worshippin’, gay dressin’, withch burnin’, hat wearin’ puritan is secretly out there looking for a really good time, cotton none the less of them. Since you knew he was out there for a rockin sockin good time, it was really easy to convince him into a threesome. 

As the puritans hadn’t yet discovered hentai, noone knew that tentacle kinks were a thing. The thing about that though is that they were already. Cotton definitely had a thing for tentacles. If he lived now, he would’ve really, really liked Finding nemo. 

You realized with shock and dismay that Cotton would have definitely looked at tentacle porn on reddit if he were not from the 1600s. You sigh with sadness. Ya win some, ya lose some. 

“So, my most boggiest slimeyest lady,” Cotton said. Chivalry wasn’t dead after all. “Shall I remove my trousers now or shall I do it later? I can take them off after the stockings, if you would find that more attractive.” 

“Would you do me the honor of unbuckling my hat??” What was under that hat, you wondered. YOu quickly had your answer. He was a fine specimen of male pattern baldness. 

John raked his eyes up and down cotton’s very stocky body. He licked his lips slowly and his breath began to come slightly faster. You could tell he was very excited to be seeing 1692 up close. 

Cotton had very nice calves. Round and clad in stockings. White man stockings, not even the sexy kind with the slime on the toes. But still very nice and calf shaped. Like little cows. 

Cotton took you away from the bonfire and into his little hut house thing. It was probably a house by those standards but I mean cmon dude, one bed? What is it with this simplistic stuff. 

One bed was not nearly enough for a threesome with a voluptuous bog monster such as yourself. Your boggy ass needed some extra room to wiggle n jiggle if ya know what I mean. 

So the three of you retreated back into the bog, which was your favorute place to get jiggy with it (na na na na na na na na) 

Cotton loved the bog, because he was named after a bog snake (is that true? Probably not. It kind of reminds me of cotton mouths though, which like. Basically the same thing) 

Cotton also found the smell of bogs to be very arousing. Probably all the microorganisms having a seductive effect on the air. It was quite sultry. At that time it was categorized as malodour, but as we said earlier, he has a disease thing. 

By this point, Cotton’s puritan shmeat was ready to get it on. 

“Babes,” he said to you and John. “Who should I schlong first?” 

“Me me me!” John and I both said excitedly. He did have some very nice shmeat. U could kinda see it through his sensible knickers. 

“Hmmmmmm,” cotton pondered sensuously. “To shmeat or not to shmeat, that is the question. And who to shmeat first? So many questions, so little time!” 

You winked wetly at him, and at that point he knew. “Ill just do both at the same time!!!” he declared. And so, removing a second schlong from his sensible knickers he beckoned you and john towards him. 

Si that’s why he hates freaks of nature, you thought to yourself. Quod erat demonstrandum. 

“Alright, you sexy motherfuckers,” Cotton said. “It’s time…..let the schlonging commence!” He removed his sensible loafers. He had very stubby toes. 

TO BE CONTINUED……. WINK WINK ;(


End file.
